On the afternoon of Monday 11th January 2010 (local time in Calgary) I was deemed inadmissible to Canada and sent back to London, this is what I scrawled on the back of 6 pages of paper which was originally my receipt and itinerary from Air Canada. If it sounds like a suicide note, that’s because it
I hereby voluntarily withdraw my application to enter Canada and agree to leave Canada without delay.
is or it was, I don’t know what the correct term should be. Some names have been blocked out to protect people. You’re probably going to ask that question everyone asks in times like these, do you still feel the same? The answer is yes, I do.
So this is the third time I’ve been denied entry or as they euphemistically call it “withdrawing your application for entry”. I doubt, given the information which Interpol clearly holds on me (although I am unable to see) that I have no chance of entering any countries which I don’t have an automatic right to travel to – i.e. countries within the EEA.
I really hoped that I could pull this off – for a start it seemed that the Canadian Government wanted a lot less information from me on entry and none before leaving (See new US rules requiring incoming passengers to notify CBP/TSA of details before leaving their home airport). However I really think that the biggest problem is that I am the worst liar, clearly I would be no good at poker, for that is what it is like when you are travelling to foreign countries.
My plan was to get to Vancouver and then after checking out the city, to make my way south towards the border. Then either find a secluded enough place to walk across the border or maybe try my luck at the truck stops, see if the drivers could be bribed to get me across.
I would then make my way to Seattle and then travel to Denver by either train, bus or air. Whilst air travel would be the quickest method, must trust in the TSA not to run my details through some database is not high and it seems too risky. Airports are like prisons, difficult to escape from. The train would have been a nice, albeit expensive trip, changing in Sacramento and then via Salt Lake City to Denver, I have never been on Amtrak or seen the Pacific ocean.
I really thought I could help XXXXX, if I could get to Denver. I was concerned that despite her detox, she had started drinking again. I don’t like to preach to people (especially when I’ve never been an alcoholic) but if you are a recovering alcoholic then its no booze for life. I was prepared to help XXXXX by going to AA/NA meetings, therapy/education to get her driving license back and generally being there as someone who understands what it is to be different. I also hoped that perhaps in way of return for staying I could help in her Dad’s franchise businesses.
So what next, well apart from a flight back from Calgary to London? I don’t know what to do. I had basically given up on my life in England. Locked myself out of my apartment, sent bills etc. to my folks and only taken what I really needed with me. I had even emailed a friend asking him to change my passwords on social networking and email sites so that I could not slip back into my old life and potentially be tracked by the US Government.
Before I went to University in Plymouth in 2005 I had spent quite some time thinking that this would be the ultimate next step. That if I could get through 4 years of education and get that magical piece of paper at the end, then all my problems would be solved – job, social and financial. In my mind, my college experience may as well been written by Walt Disney. When I actually got there I found that I was good at some things but really bad at the things that mattered – maths and generally getting stuff done. At heart I guess I am a quitter with a strong sense of ‘self preservation’.
After I dropped out of Plymouth in 2006 I tried to change, but so far I can’t seem to change the flaws in my character that make sustaining things difficult. Jobs, ideas, education, they never seem to last long. Sometimes I make great strategies that I will do whatever it takes to get through and get back on track, but these days the plans rarely last 24hrs before I wake up tired and disillusioned, thinking – ‘can I really be bothered to do this?’, roll over and go back to sleep. Sometimes I wish I was 18 again, amongst all the beautiful people I see today; but I doubt it would make it any better, I still wouldn’t have anything in common with them.
It has never really been my intention to be useless, I really wanted to be of some use to some one; hence wanting to go to Denver, by fair means or foul.
So I really want people to know how sorry I am that it came to this; my body has too many issues that I can’t really fix. My brain – well I have tried taking pills, many different doctors and mental health professionals, but I can’t seem to fix the issues that lurk up there, and that is before we mix in Asperger’s, ADHD, etc.
XXXXX told me not long ago that I was the person keeping her from killing herself. I wanted so much to help, but there is not much I can do from 4,000 miles away for a person who lives in a country I may as well be banned from. I guess its the old mantra “do what I say, don’t do what I do”.
So, it always seems a shame to me when I get to this stage. 2hrs ago I was resigned to my fate, that I would drift gently into a coma somewhere around 20,000ft on re-entry into UK airspace. Now I feel like shit, it isn’t working and I don’t know what to do now.
Sometimes I am inclined to believe in L. Ron Hubbard’s immortal words – that psychiatry doesn’t work. Most of it is an affront by Lilly et al to make money from SSRI’s – which isn’t working so well for them any more since the patents have run out. Even if I “turned myself in” – went to casualty at a hospital on landing, they wouldn’t be inclined to help much since I don’t live in London.
Other ideas:
Fall from heights – Out of the question since I am too scared to actually jump.
In front of a train/car – again too scared and have too much respect for train drivers.
Suicide by cop – Heathrow’s armed Police, maybe an option – but how much do you need to piss them off before they would shoot you?
I don’t want to go home, since then I would have to face people just to get back into my flat. In my mind failure was not an option. Damn you Asperger’s Syndrome and the Canadian Government.
I always know what people think when I do this, that I am too pragmatic about it. I talk about death the way old folks talk about taking a cruise of the Mediterranean. Resigned to the fate but not angry, verbal or aggravated. Maybe this is why I have never really been taken seriously or sectioned; Doctors simply don’t believe I will do it.
I could inject more insulin, but would it work or would the physical effects of low blood sugar be too much to bare – my kingdom for a cookie and a soda!
I am reminded at this time by the Meat Loaf song “Life is a Lemon (and I want my money back)” except its not my money, very little of it ever was – now of course Student Loans will catch up with the fact that I have effectively dropped out of Bolton and send the boys round for the grant part of the money. Why not just add to the bill – it’s never going to get paid back, the chances of me keeping a job with a salary of over £15,000 a year before I am 55 are very very slim.
Well Ben A’Lee has the magical list of passwords so no doubt you can contact him to get the word out about my demise, since its unlikely to make news in the UK, US or anywhere else I might know someone on Facebook, et al.
I was trying to be productive and watch a movie just now; the selection is pretty bad compared to Continental and Virgin whom I have flown with before – probably to save room for Canadian content in the hope of placating those Frenchmen in Montreal.
Memento – seen it before and to be honest its kinda boring. For those of you who don’t know the protagonist who is searching for his wife’s murderer is his wife’s murderer.
The Horse Boy – ‘tragic’ autism story – get a grip, so maybe your kid can’t speak, but its not as if you had any control in the matter and horses ain’t gonna cure him.
Post Grad – Annoying, mainly for the reasons that other people having that magical piece of paper are difficult to deal with for me.
Finally saw “District 9” (not great), Bandslam (Good), Some initial episodes of “Bored Stupid” (HBO) – Quite good. Also saw some episodes of Showtime’s Californication with David Duchovny, however its overtly sexual content always annoys me because it just reminds me of the fact that it seems everyone is having sex but me.
I suppose that my boredom and ranting may have reached new levels, the captive audience at 37,000 feet eh?
Other people’s words – Chris Slater-Walker once said that he “didn’t know how he could be any good to society”, this is pretty much how I feel. Folks often say “what a waste” when people kill themselves. But is it, really? I am probably more of a drain on society than anything else – perhaps I should offer myself as sacrifice to those militant tax payers who think of me as “Dole Scum”. Not only am I a drain on the public purse, but that of my parents as well – ideas that I would one day repay them for all the debts I have racked up are long gone now. They are the ones who ulitmately have to pay and I don’t think they should. Genetics and mental health is not really anyone’s “fault”.
There has to be some way I can make this suicide work today. I can’t run away, mainly because I am no good at that anyway – both physically and on-line. I guess I long for home comforts too much and space to do what I want, even when my flat seems to become a prison cell.<Photo 1>
