Well, you find me in Gard du Midi Station, Brussels. I am waiting for a Eurostar connection back to London. I came here last night, I was going to go to Germany – mainly because I have never been there and I wanted to travel on some cool, fast trains, but I decided that I should try and get back to somewhere I could get some help.
So, you may ask, what has happened since my last incident. Well the answer is not much. My GP whilst very helpful the first time I saw him on Friday 25th Nov, didn’t really know what he could do when I saw him on Tues 29th Nov. I have enlisted the help of a friend (not on this list) who has negotiated with the disability department at the University on my behalf and managed to get some extra help with maths… but I think I have some more fundamental problems to sort out with myself before I can continue my studies.
I have realised that in addition to not being able to concentrate, I have also conditioned myself that I will probably fail, and that when this happens, my gut reaction is to run… and its getting further and further each time. Because I have no idea how to rectify these problems, I have thought that I have essentially no way through and that I have no hope at doing anything meaningful in society.
As you have seen in the past, it is probable (with some minor exceptions), that I am much happier when I am doing nothing and conning myself that I am intelligent. When I am faced with challenges – either academic or in a job setting, or being challenged by someone who knows more whom I don’t get on with; things start to go bad.
At the present time I am in good health and have no immediate plans to do anything stupid, although I have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts since the last incident. I don’t think I can continue with University, I have already let my friends down – I was supposed to be doing an assignment on ICT and its affect on society, with specific reference to finance. This is due in on 16/12 although we have to do a presentation on Friday 9/12. Whenever I am trying do any work my mind keeps being diverted to thoughts of a ‘way out’ and lets just say I am not looking for green exit signs. On Sunday night I was trying to quote from an article about Swiss banks and computerization, I needed to write 1,000 words, I only managed 500.
I honestly don’t know what to do now. Clearly if I am going to get anywhere I need some help, but I am not sure if this is help the NHS can provide. I am not exactly sure I can help myself, how does someone who can’t even read books for pleasure read a book on self motivation, for instance?
Perhaps I am trying to get too much attention here, perhaps these are problems I should try to solve myself, perhaps some of you are right – that these lists are essentially my ‘fan club’ and I long for your replies to my stupid notes.
My I will be getting on the Eurostar at 12:58 +1hr and arriving at Waterloo International at 14:25 GMT – train 9133. I can’t take incoming calls on my mobile at present (roaming costs a fortune), but I think I can get text messages and I will be on MSN for a while.